Skinnier by the Inch, Not the Pound

Where to start?  Too much time has passed since I last posted on my blog.  I wanted to start writing each night but every single time my mind was way too tired to actually process any words.  Well it is better late than never so here is a quick rundown of what has happened the last couple of weeks...

Week five actually went a lot smoother than I had anticipated.  The last run of the week I was supposed to run two miles or 20 mins.  (You can choose to run distance or time and I decided to run distance that day)  I ran the two miles in 23 minutes exactly.  That averaged 11.5 minute miles!  GO ME! 

Having not been able to go anywhere to just relax and enjoy myself I was finally able to get away and relax on a mini vacation.  I packed my bags and was headed off to relax…not worrying about the huge maternity bathing suit I packed.  Once I got ready to put on the maternity bathing suit I realized that I must be losing weight because the bathing suit was having a hard time staying up.  I really didn’t mind though because no one was around to see me look silly wearing what appeared to be a colorful camping tent.  The next day I woke up to a brand new bathing suit that my mother went out and purchased for me.  Actually she bought two but who’s counting?!   I really hadn’t thought about wearing a ‘real’ bathing suit because I didn’t think my body was at a point to be out in a nice swimsuit.  Once I put the new suits on I realized how good I was actually looking these days.  I hadn’t and haven’t been giving myself enough credit.  Sometimes I have it in my head that I should look a certain way and I forget that I am actually doing really well considering only four months ago I had a baby.  I even sent my husband (who is deployed currently) a picture of me posing in my new swim suit!  He might have fallen off his chair receiving that photo because I have been flat out refusing to send him pictures of me.  While on vacation I went running to maintain all that I have been working towards.  I pushed myself and did another two miles and it felt great knowing that I could actually do this.  (I went a little off the program but that’s okay.)

Today I ran 2.5 miles in 28:45 minutes (again 11.5 minute miles) and felt great doing it.  My father (a marathon runner) ran with me again for motivation.  You wouldn’t believe how motivating it is to have someone help push you along.  He seems to be able to tell when I am winded or needing a little extra motivation because all of a sudden he starts telling me I can do it and to keep pushing myself.  If you are running and having a hard time with the longer distances try finding a partner to run with who will help push you.  For me, my dad is an invaluable part of my success with this program.  THANK YOU DAD! 

I know I have told you guys that I haven’t lost any weight (I need to weigh in for this week but I haven’t stopped by my parents house to use their scale....I don’t own one) BUT I have lost inches.  Last week while on vacation I decided I was tired of having droopy butt and hated my pants falling down so I went shopping for a new pair of jeans.  I wanted to get the same brand and style I had last time because I loved the way they fit my body.  Today I was looking for the older bigger pair so I could donate them and realized that they were bigger than I had originally remembered.  As soon as I saw the tag I realized I had dropped THREE pant sizes!  It was so nice to see that I have been reaping the advantages of exercising.  I may not be losing weight but I am definitely losing inches!   

Once again, I just want to say how incredibly happy I am with this program.  It has truly changed my life.

By the way, it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t include the picture of myself that I sent to my husband.  I said I would disclose everything…so here I am in a bathing suit!  OH LORD!!! 

 

Headcase

I have just completed week four and cannot wait to start week five.  The beginning of week four was really challenging for me.  During the first two runs of this week I was seriously questioning my resolve.  I was seriously thinking that I wouldn’t be able to run more than five minutes at a time.  Those five minutes were killing me but I found that it was more mental than anything.  Once I pushed those thoughts out of my head and stopped thinking about how long the run was I actually found a nice stride and ran the best I had all week.  The only thing keeping me going was the knowledge that this program does work and my body CAN be pushed.  Because of bad weather I had to run two consecutive days but that didn’t seem to affect my running in the least.  Today I was quite shocked at how well I actually did.  Especially at the end of the run.  During the last half of the run my IPod died so I had to use a watch.  Personally I thought I would hate using a watch but I found I ran well without the IPod.  The last five minutes I increased my speed overall and even sprinted the last thirty seconds.  Feeling good I decided to run to the finish line which turned out to be an extra minute.  Week five doesn’t look so daunting after completing tonight’s run.  

This week has actually been quite difficult as my body seems to be affected by the running.  My milk supply has taken a dramatic hit and now I am struggling to be able to feed my baby.  I had been weighing myself weekly and not seeing much of a weight difference so I hadn’t thought that my body was using more calories than what I had been putting into it.  Turns out that I had not been bringing in enough calories to sustain breast feeding JW.  I have started writing down all of my meals just so I can make sure I am getting enough nutrients to continue breast feeding.  As I have said before, losing weight is not my focus.  Which is evident when I came home last night and ate two cups of Greek yogurt which had 250 calories each.  Would I like to be able to eat less and lose weight faster?  Heck yes!  However, it is my responsibility to feed JW the best way I know how.  If that means eating more calories and not losing weight as fast then so be it because at the end of the day the weight will come off.  It just might be later rather than sooner!    

Today is my husband’s birthday.  I am so bummed out that he isn’t home to celebrate with us as a family.  He is the most wonderful and honorable man I know.  God blessed me so much the day He put Josh back into my life.  When I say 'back' I am referring to the fact that Josh was actually my seventh grade boyfriend.  It wasn’t until thirteen years later that we would find each other and fall back in love.  Thankfully I was receptive to loving someone just as much as they loved me.  It took me many years to finally get to a place where I could receive love with open arms.  Josh was just the right person who knew exactly what I needed and how to love me (Which is not an easy task).  If you have a special person in your life please make sure to hug and tell them how much you love them a little extra today.  OH how much I wish I could have a hug right now.

Confessions from a size 4

The following post was written by a friend of mine, Danielle Burlison.  What she writes of and ‘confesses’ resonated with me as I also have discovered there is more to life than fitting into a pair of skinny jeans.   

Working in a gym at fifteen years old has its pros and cons. It's a critical age when you are just starting to really identify yourself, your flaws, and BOYS; all of which tend to shape your idea of who you are. I was exposed to many different things in those years: extreme diets, extreme workouts, magic "pills" to make you lose weight, energy drinks, etc. I think the biggest impression left on me was this: "You must be a skinny, toned size 4 to be pretty, accepted, important and loved."  That one false belief began to shape my life, and as of last night, I realized, STILL shapes my life. It's bondage for me. You see, I've finally realized (I can hear some friends saying, "FINALLY" as they read this) that I cannot be FREE as a size 4!  My body is not naturally built that way.  Sure, I can take some pills for four months. I can monitor every calorie, carb, and fat gram that goes into my body (which I actually have done every year for about six months since I was 16).  I can bring my own plate of food to every "get-together" I go to, for fear of eating an extra gram of fat.  I can control every bite that goes into my mouth.  I can work out twice a day, six days a week, forsaking my times with God and my family.  The result to all of that would be an awesome and toned size 2 to 4 body. But at what cost?!  I would then be in bondage to my own body.  I have essentially made my body my god.  I have bowed down and worshipped it. You can call it nutrition but it's really an obsession.  Now don't get me wrong, eating healthy, drinking water, and remaining conscious about what foods you are eating IS practicing good nutrition and is very respectable.  But I'm talking about being in bondage to it. There's a difference and you know if you are crossing or have crossed that line.  It's time we stop labeling our addictions and bondages and just call them what they are!  God compares our body to a temple.  He tells us that our bodies are the temple for His holy spirit.  So, of course, he wants that body to be healthy. However, going back to the Old Testament, people in those days were always getting into trouble with two specific things they did in the temple: neglect and obsession.  Isn't it interesting how we tend to do the same two extremes with our bodies (temples)? So what's the balance? RESPECT.  In the same way I don't have freedom at a size four, I also don't have freedom (this is strictly for ME, everyone's comfort zone is different) at a size 10.  My body makeup has me at a natural size 6/8.  Neglecting your body, eating foods you know are unhealthy all day, never working out; these things are just as bad as going overboard and monitoring every bite, calorie, etc.  Deeply absorbing a biblical perspective of our physical bodies would free us from the horrific stress our culture has placed on us.  Biblically speaking, physical fitness is probably more about freedom than size.  "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."  Galatians 5:1.  God ultimately wants FREEDOM from obsession for us!  This goal can be reached through moderation and learning to do what we need to do, and GET ON WITH LIVING!  Yes, exercise is GOOD and healthy, and God wants that for our bodies.  What he doesn't want is the BONDAGE that can easily go into it.  Does it seem impossible to be free from this?  In our culture of perfect, model-like bodies, is there any way to break out of this pattern?  Radical restoration comes, but only after radical repentance, not play-like kind.  It's for FREEDOM Christ set us free.  If this is you, let GO of this bondage.  Be free to be healthy, exercise regularly, and monitor the "bad for you" food.  But don't make your body your God.  Do what you need to do to be healthy, and then get on with living!   :)

Spirtual Running

The coolest thing is happening.  People all around me are putting on their running shoes and hitting the pavement!  I find that running has given me much more than just a chance to partake in a healthy activity.  Running has given me confidence.  As much as it is a very physical sport it is even more of a mental challenge.  Sometimes, everything about me both physically and mentally is telling me to stop.  Only my willpower is telling me to keep going.  Only when you push through all of the self-doubt will your confidence break through.  I won’t say that I don’t worry each week as the running distance increases, but I now have the confidence in myself to know I will finish.  I am proud of myself and of my body.  It is amazing what my body is accomplishing after such a long period of being sedentary. 

Some of you might be wondering about my weight since I have started this program.  I have not lost any weight since losing 5 pounds after the initial week.  I am still hovering at the 176 mark.  As I said in the beginning, my goal is not to lose weight.  My goal is still simply to run a 5K.  But, by being more physically active, losing weight will be a benefit.  I have gained so many benefits from running that merely losing weight could never offer me.  Weight loss is an outward change but running has been a spiritual change for me.  It has touched me deeper than I can describe.  I feel more centered and more in tune with my spiritual side.  During my run I pray and I think about the things that I am most thankful for.  It is a time of being one with God with no interruptions.  You could call it my individual worship service. 

Today, as you are celebrating Thanksgiving with your family, please take a moment to remember the men and women who are serving our country honorably and will not be at home with family and friends.  Our family will be missing our soldier, my husband…Josh.  God bless you all!       

Week 3 Day 1...DONE!

Week three day one is a thing of the past!  Yesterday I went running and my younger brother joined me.  It was really nice having him there encouraging me while we ran.  It makes a difference having someone run with you.  I had anticipated having more difficulty running this week’s intervals but found it rather easy to fall into a nice stride.       

I seriously love this program! 

HAPPY RUNNING!!! 

I KILLED IT!

Today I completed week two, day two, and I killed it!  Only one more run to complete this week and I move on to week three!  My knees were hurting once again but that was to be expected because I went against the program and ran back-to-back.  As a beginner you should be running every other day so that your body has time to heal.  But, because Monday’s weather prevented me from going outside, I attempted to get back on schedule by running on two consecutive days.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that bad and I felt good during and after the run.  If you were to see me at the park you would laugh because after every interval I put my hands up in the air and shout with excitement!  During my last intervals I am beaming with pride while I run.  I have a huge goofy smile on my face.  People are probably wondering why I look so happy.  I can’t help it…I just feel so darn proud of myself! 

Several of my friends have decided to start running.  They have all signed up for the 5K that I am running for my graduation of the Couch to 5K program.  I am super excited to be able to share that experience with them.  They are an awesome group of ladies we all share a common bond...the U.S. ARMY.  Each of us has a spouse serving in the ARMY and several of them are currently deployed which can make life terribly difficult to cope with.  But we have each other and for that I am forever grateful.        

If you have even thought about trying to start running, please try doing the Couch to 5K program.  It really is a great program designed for the ultimate couch potato! 

Here are four veterans (one of them being my father) who recently completed the Soldier Marathon held at Fort Benning Ga, 13 November 2010.

     

'Me' Time

For the last couple of days I have doubted myself and my ability to really see this goal through to completion.  A lot of personal challenges were presenting themselves and my knees were killing me.  I couldn’t walk without the pain being excruciating.  I am really trying to not come across as a wimp but the pain was horrible.  Monday was going to be the first day of week two but the weather was not ideal for running with a 14 week old child.  I did however try to run on my parents’ home treadmill.  For some reason I felt very unsteady on that blasted thing.  Simply the act of walking on it was enough to make me lose my balance.  Maybe I am beginning to show my age but I would like to think I am not that old.  So today was the 'new first day' of week two and I was impressed with myself.  As I was running I kept thinking of how great I was doing for a) pushing through the pain and b) running.  After the run was over my dad helped me calculate how far I ran and it was approximately 1.1 miles.  This week’s runs will consist of 90 seconds running and two minutes at a brisk walking for recovery.  Instead of fearing that I wouldn’t be able to continue I started to really believe in myself that I could accomplish this goal.    

Over the weekend I was wondering why I like running so much.  Then it hit me.  The only time I get to have to myself is while I am running.  During the run I can fully concentrate on me, my breathing and how I am going to finish.  I don’t have to think about family, bills, or any other pressing issues in my life.  In those moments I don’t have to be anything to anyone…I can just be.  Currently in my life I don’t have my spouse because our country needs him more.  Needless to say my time is being fully wrapped up in our son’s life.  I don’t mind this one bit because I rather enjoy being a stay at home mommy.  But living day to day without having my husband’s assistance does present some challenges.  There are days when I would love to have Josh walk in and hold the baby so I could go cook a nice dinner or just entertain the baby so I could simply enjoy a quiet bath.  These are things that are impossible because JW demands so much affection and attention.  However, when I run I get back some of my autonomy.  

My Malevolent Mind

Week ONE is complete and I am excited to start week two.  There will be longer running intervals and less walking, which sounds awful but the pain in my legs actually sets in during the walking portion.  It seems that my leg muscles start to spasm when I stop to do the brisk walk.  After the run is complete I feel like my legs are going to give out on me completely and I will collapse.  The pain in my knees feels like nothing I have ever experienced before.  I read an article that said unless you really suspect something major is going on then you should just push through the pain and that is what I have been doing.  It is very frustrating to be in pain only during the part of the exercise that is designed to let you recover. 

The other day someone asked me how running now is different than running in the military.  When you are in basic training you are afraid not to run because you don’t want to get yelled at or fail your test and get recycled (sent back to an earlier portion of training for a 're-do').  After basic training your physical fitness test determines your career.  You can be put out of the military for not meeting standards if you can’t pass your test.  In a way I think there is more of a psychological aspect to it than what I am doing now.  Also, they didn’t ‘teach’ us how to run.  They simply told us to run.  And run we did.  With this program (Couch to 5K) you are training yourself and body to ‘learn’ to run.  Currently I feel the program is going at a good pace for any beginner who wants to run. 

I am still having some bad body image days even though I am running and exercising faithfully.  I loathe those days because they are so emotionally draining.  My focus will get stuck on how I look and not on how I am living a healthy life.  I will keep going over in my mind how I shouldn’t have eaten this or that, maybe I should have worked out a little longer or am I ever going to be pretty again.  Those are all futile thoughts which have no constructive value to them but they can be so hard to get rid of.  One would think if you are taking control of your health these feelings would virtually disappear.  BUT THEY HAVEN’T!  One day I would love to be able to say that I am completely free of negative thoughts about myself.  Don’t get me wrong I am very comfortable in my own body but some days it feels like I can’t control my mind and those thoughts creep in to crush my spirit.  All I can do is keep reminding myself that my self-worth is not wrapped up in my physical appearance or by the amount of sit ups I perform.  Rather, my self-worth comes from being a wife to an outstanding man, a mother to a child I believe gave me a renewed lease on life, and loving Christ with all of my heart.    

On a brighter note…the light of my life!

Why This...Why Now

My run went surprisingly well yesterday.  It actually felt good to run during the running intervals.  I tried slowing my pace a bit which helped tremendously and I think I was a bit more relaxed and confident today than I was on Monday.  Unfortunately, after the session was completed my legs felt like they were going to give out any moment.  It was strange because during the run my legs felt fine but as soon as I stopped to walk the pain would set in.  My breathing was good and I didn’t feel winded like I did previously.  All in all it was a great run and I am ready to complete week one.

Several of you have asked me what program I am doing.  It is called Couch to 5K and it is FREE!  It is a program that gets you from sitting on the couch to running 3.1 miles in just nine weeks.  Yes NINE weeks!   They have it all planned out and tell you exactly what to run.  To help me know when to run and walk I downloaded some podcasts that were available for FREE online.   You can find the one I am currently using here.  I enjoy the music but most of all I find being told when to run and stop to walk very helpful.  The music works out better than having to constantly keep looking down at a watch.    

Another question I have gotten is what meal plan I am using.  I currently don’t have a meal plan and don’t plan on going on one either.  I eat what I want to eat.  I just do it in moderation.  The only thing I have done is cut out candy.  Literally I would fill up on candy and not want to eat a decent meal.  I won’t deprive myself but I won’t buy it and bring it into the house.  I am horrible at mindless eating.  The other day I ate a pound of baby carrots in one sitting!  It was all because I was watching a show and not being conscious of eating so many.  Lucky for me they were only carrots but had that been a bag of chips…whew, that wouldn’t have been healthy.  What seems to work now and has worked in the past for me is to eat small meals six times a day.  The day looks like this for eating:

Breakfast

Snack (no more than 150 calories)

Lunch

Snack (once again no more than 150 calories)

Dinner

Snack (no more than 150 calories)

You would be surprised at how full you will be if you eat throughout the day and not starve yourself.  As previously stated, these are small meals.  They are appropriately portioned meals.  Remember, portion control is your friend!  I think any time you limit yourself it all becomes a mind game.  Why not have a slice of pizza that you have been craving?  Then pair it with a nice salad?  That seems healthy enough.  I am not a professional but I would think that if you were cognizant of the types of food that were entering into your body you would be fine.  Instead of eating a lot of processed foods why not try to eat ‘whole’ foods?  By eating whole foods you can cut out a lot of preservatives and calories.  Plus it is healthier.  And that is our goal, isn’t it? 

I have been thinking a lot lately about my new found peace with myself and body.  Anyone who really knew me would tell you that I worried a lot about my weight in the past.  Just gaining five pounds would freak me out.  Back then I was never healthy or engaging in activities that were good for me.  After having JW my thinking and body image was transformed.  Instead of wanting to be a certain size or weight I decided that I needed a lifestyle change not an appearance change.  I wanted something that would benefit me and my family.  I chose being healthy and active so my child has something positive to emulate.  I could’ve chosen to diet and lose weight but what was that really accomplishing?  Yea, I would be skinnier but would I be able to go out and really play with my son?  Would we be able to enter races as a family and center our family fun around physical activities?  I think not.  There is more to life than being skinny and fitting into a certain size jean.  Skinny jeans won’t make memories.  I will make them because I am taking my life by the reins and living it to the fullest!       

The inspiration…my motivation…(isn't he adorable?!) 

5 pounds

Here are the stats and pictures as promised...

Height:     5’3”

Weight:    176  

BMI:         31.2 

I got awesome news today when I stepped on the scale!  Last Tuesday I made the conscious decision to start weighing myself.  Prior to this I didn’t know how much I weighed because I refused to know.  Throughout my whole pregnancy I was the kooky woman being weighed backwards so I couldn’t see the scale!  My chart had “Do NOT tell PT her weight” written across the top in big red letters.  I have always hated scales.  Even if I was at a good number I would get fixated and think I needed to lose just five more pounds.  Now though, I have decided it would be good to know my weight so that I can track any changes.  It was quite comical watching my father and me banter back and forth about whether or not I should know my weight.  You would’ve thought we were deciding how to resolve world hunger by the way we were going on about it.  Finally I pushed myself on the scale and kept repeating “I am not a number…I am HEATHER”!  I weighed in at 181 pounds.  Surprisingly I was okay with that number.  My goal isn’t about losing weight.  It’s about running a 5K.  You see, I think that, if my goal was reversed and my focus was solely on losing weight, I would be upset with how much I weigh.  This is why I don’t think dieting alone works.  Your goal is to lose weight but not necessarily change your lifestyle or find some physical activity you enjoy.  Today I was asked if I was dieting along with running.  The answer is no.  Let me first clarify so you don’t think I am sitting at home eating whatever comes across my plate.  (The old me would eat Twizzlers or popcorn and call it a meal.)  These days I am making more informed choices about what I eat and put into my body.  I realize that I can’t eat candy and snacks all day to live healthy.  It all boils down to moderation.  Two of my reasons for not “dieting” are as follow:  

1)      Dieting limits your caloric intake which I can’t do because of breastfeeding JW.  As a breastfeeding mother if I don’t provide my body with enough calories my milk supply will suffer.

2)      Dieting instead of making a lifestyle change seems counterproductive.  Why not just change your mindset and make permanent fixes instead of temporary ones?  Dieting, in my opinion, is a temporary fix. 

It would definitely be easier for me to diet and control my food.  Being a control freak comes easily to my Type A personality.

Without “dieting” I lost a whopping 5lbs in a week!  I almost fell off the scale when I saw 176lbs!  I ran out to the living room to my family screaming with excitement.  My dad took a picture of the scale for me so I could share with everyone how much I weighed.

 

Today I realized more than ever that exercise combined with healthy eating habits does work!

If you are interested in knowing your BMI find out what it is here.

That's IT?!

I am not going to lie today was more challenging than I had anticipated.  During the run I kept wondering why I had even set out to achieve this particular goal.  Each time I started running I didn’t think I would make it through the entire 60 seconds.  Reading the plan on paper it looked to be a whole lot easier than what it actually turned out to be for me.  Run 60 seconds then walk for 90 seconds that seemed painless enough.  Once I was out there doing it I found out quickly just how out of shape I am.  It was nice though having my son and father walking behind me cheering me on as I worked hard to run.  Okay, JW wasn’t cheering but I am sure one day he will be proud of me for doing this.  Having a father who runs marathons for fun would seem to be beneficial in case I have any questions, right?!  NO!  Don’t get me wrong, my father supports my efforts but he doesn’t understand just how hard my body is working to keep me going forward each step of the way.  At one point when I had finished one of the 60 seconds he yelled out at me and said, “that’s it?!”  I honestly wanted to punch him at that point.  Well maybe not punch him but I was seriously annoyed at him in that moment.  J  Being my size isn’t easy running and getting my booty moving.  I joke and say that I have two big ham hocks weighing me down on my backside. 

    

How did I get to this point of being so out of shape?  It is a simple answer.  Smoking, drinking and being very lazy all got me to where I am at today.  During that time I was skinny and didn’t worry that I was unhealthy.  It didn’t matter to me because outwardly I looked healthy enough.  However, all of those bad habits set me up to fail and fail I did.  Now I am feeling all of the years of damage I did to my body.  I wish I could go back and undo a lot of the harm I put my body through but I can’t.  All I have is today and I am fine with that.  As long as I make each day count and make it as healthy as possible then I am headed in the right direction.  This is a life style because anything else is a temporary fix.  Temporary is no longer adequate because now I have a child who needs me to be a good example.     

After finishing week one day one of the program I am quite pleased with myself.  I know it is going to be strenuous but I have confidence in myself to see it through and accomplish this goal.

Pictures and stats of my body should be up this week.  My little brother is going to play photographer and measure me.  I am so thankful to have him help me because I know that he isn’t judging me no matter what. 

If any of you are on the fence about starting a running program get off of it and just DO IT!           

Couch to 5K

Even though I have been working out lately and pushing myself physically I am still very nervous starting my new running regimen today.  The program is called Couch to 5K.  After reading a lot of success stories I decided this was the perfect way to get back into running.  After years of not being active I knew it wouldn’t be like riding a bike that I needed to prepare and train.  Couch to 5K says it should take nine weeks to be able to go from the sitting on the couch to running 3.1 miles.  Nine weeks doesn’t seem long enough but I am ready for a challenge.    

If I can dream it I can achieve it… 

   

Embracing Myself

Over the next nine weeks I will be training for a 5K.  It won’t be easy for me as I haven't exercised in years.  One could say I am a professional couch potato.  During my years in the Air Force I would run once a year to pass a mandatory fitness test.  It would almost kill me trying to run 1.5 miles, crunches and push-ups.  I was so out of shape but no one really knew because I was skinny.  Maybe they just didn’t care because I would pass my fitness test and met the uniform standards.  Back then I was as unhealthy as it gets but it really was never addressed.  Currently I am considered obese based on my BMI (Body Mass Index).  Yep, you read that right, OBESE.  Looking at myself in the mirror, which I rarely do, I would have never classified myself obese.  In my mind’s eye I saw myself about average.  Not too big and not too little but thanks to the CDC's BMI calculator I now know I need to lose weight.  Just to be considered overweight I need to lose 12 pounds.  Am I really that out of shape or unhealthy?  Personally I don’t feel that I am but numbers don’t lie.  These days I eat healthier and make sure that every calorie counts due to me breastfeeding JW my 3 month old son.  My goal has been to treat my body with respect especially since I am my child’s food source.  All of this got me thinking that most women would not dare share their weight.  Women keep that number secret and avoid it like the plague.  I have decided I am going to fully disclose all information about my body.  Why?  Because I am not my weight.  I am not a number.  I am me.  And I really do like me. 

After having my baby (13 weeks ago via c-section) I thought I could privately lose the weight for fear someone might see the new (obese) me.  What a silly perception that was.  I would go to the park during the middle of the day when most people are at work in order to avoid being seen.  My second day walking in the park I ran into an old friend from school.  This is the absolute last person I wanted to encounter because she is naturally gorgeous and I wasn't wearing any makeup and had on tights which accentuated my rather large thighs.  She on the other hand...is especially stunning even in gym clothes and no makeup.  At first I thought I would try to ignore her and hope she didn't recognize me but, alas, no such luck.  She knew it was me and I was caught!  As we were talking I kept staring at her to see if she was thinking any negative thoughts about me.  Crazy, right?  Am I the only woman who does this?  After this little run-in I was thinking about the way I had internally reacted and was disappointed with myself.  Instead of really enjoying and taking advantage of this moment I spent it worrying that she was judging me.  She wasn't judging me, I was judging me.  In that instant I realized that I had to get a grip on my self esteem.  I couldn't keep hiding myself and dodging my friends.  So I decided to run.  My decision to run really isn't about losing the weight (though it is an obvious benefit).  It is about respecting my body and accepting me for who I am no matter my size.  It is about having a healthier lifestyle.  Running takes mental preparation and determination.  It takes discipline.  I cannot hide while running and entering into races.  I will be in public (gasp) running my booty off.  No pun intended.  :) 

I don't want to hide and I certainly don't want to be ashamed because, at the end of the day, I am still Heather no matter how much I weigh.  Maybe by embracing myself (for once) I will learn to love myself and treat my body with respect.  I am running for me and I don’t care who sees!

    

This week I will post pictures of my true self, share my weight, BMI calculation and body fat %.  Stay tuned...