Over the next nine weeks I will be training for a 5K. It won’t be easy for me as I haven't exercised in years. One could say I am a professional couch potato. During my years in the Air Force I would run once a year to pass a mandatory fitness test. It would almost kill me trying to run 1.5 miles, crunches and push-ups. I was so out of shape but no one really knew because I was skinny. Maybe they just didn’t care because I would pass my fitness test and met the uniform standards. Back then I was as unhealthy as it gets but it really was never addressed. Currently I am considered obese based on my BMI (Body Mass Index). Yep, you read that right, OBESE. Looking at myself in the mirror, which I rarely do, I would have never classified myself obese. In my mind’s eye I saw myself about average. Not too big and not too little but thanks to the CDC's BMI calculator I now know I need to lose weight. Just to be considered overweight I need to lose 12 pounds. Am I really that out of shape or unhealthy? Personally I don’t feel that I am but numbers don’t lie. These days I eat healthier and make sure that every calorie counts due to me breastfeeding JW my 3 month old son. My goal has been to treat my body with respect especially since I am my child’s food source. All of this got me thinking that most women would not dare share their weight. Women keep that number secret and avoid it like the plague. I have decided I am going to fully disclose all information about my body. Why? Because I am not my weight. I am not a number. I am me. And I really do like me.
After having my baby (13 weeks ago via c-section) I thought I could privately lose the weight for fear someone might see the new (obese) me. What a silly perception that was. I would go to the park during the middle of the day when most people are at work in order to avoid being seen. My second day walking in the park I ran into an old friend from school. This is the absolute last person I wanted to encounter because she is naturally gorgeous and I wasn't wearing any makeup and had on tights which accentuated my rather large thighs. She on the other hand...is especially stunning even in gym clothes and no makeup. At first I thought I would try to ignore her and hope she didn't recognize me but, alas, no such luck. She knew it was me and I was caught! As we were talking I kept staring at her to see if she was thinking any negative thoughts about me. Crazy, right? Am I the only woman who does this? After this little run-in I was thinking about the way I had internally reacted and was disappointed with myself. Instead of really enjoying and taking advantage of this moment I spent it worrying that she was judging me. She wasn't judging me, I was judging me. In that instant I realized that I had to get a grip on my self esteem. I couldn't keep hiding myself and dodging my friends. So I decided to run. My decision to run really isn't about losing the weight (though it is an obvious benefit). It is about respecting my body and accepting me for who I am no matter my size. It is about having a healthier lifestyle. Running takes mental preparation and determination. It takes discipline. I cannot hide while running and entering into races. I will be in public (gasp) running my booty off. No pun intended. :)
I don't want to hide and I certainly don't want to be ashamed because, at the end of the day, I am still Heather no matter how much I weigh. Maybe by embracing myself (for once) I will learn to love myself and treat my body with respect. I am running for me and I don’t care who sees!
This week I will post pictures of my true self, share my weight, BMI calculation and body fat %. Stay tuned...
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